Why I Pray This Prayer

Lord,


I ask for You to lead me, to guide me as I surrender all. These words I recite almost daily in my prayers but what do they really mean?

Lead me suggests I follow Him. Where is He? How do I know it is Him? What signals does He give?

Guide me suggests He directs my path. Which way am I going? How do I know He wants me to go that way? How do I separate what way I want to go from His way?

Surrender all suggests I am detached from all things, people, and outcomes. I care about certain desires, certain hopes and dreams but I allow the actual events to go the way they go even if not toward my desired outcome. I do not intervene. I set the event in motion after thoughtful prayer and meditation. I check my awareness to discern whether there is more for me to do. I step back from the action and wait on the Lord. I am patient.

I go on my merry way with the rest of my life and let that other thing rest. Sort of like a well cooked piece of protein has to rest first after coming off of the heat. The juices have to redistribute and settle before the protein is plated and cut into. If insufficient rest takes place, the full flavors do not get their chance to penetrate all the right places and create a succulent morsel in the mouth and on the tongue.

So too for waiting on the Lord. When I wait for it, whatever it is, to be right; when I feel as though the thing is done and it is my time, I usually experience a feeling, a sense that all was divinely timed. Whether the outcome was double or triple what I expected; whether the problem was way more minor than anticipated; whether the expected loss was avoided or, in the alternative, a gift received instead... I always know. There is that sweet moment where I close my eyes and say "Thank You, Lord. I know this was Your doing. You have blessed me once again and I am grateful." It is in that moment, that sweet, joyful moment, that my heart swells and feels full. Sometimes it stays that way for minutes. Sometimes for days.

And so I pray my prayer and ask to be led, guided, and to surrender.

By the way, I always know when I have not properly surrendered too. It is easy to see. Just like someone handing me some money that they really don't want to let go of.... That last little bit of grip on the bill that forces me to have to jerk or yank it away. I can tell when I am surrendering but not quite fully letting go. Always. I imagine He smiles at me because He is always gingerly about yanking my stuff from my hands. This last time, I set the matter at the feet of the Lord but did not take my hands off of it. I said I surrender it but not really. Ours is a loving God that is so kind a to wait and let me get tired and stiff down there n my knees unwilling to let go. By the time I actually took my hands off of it and stood up to go, I could not walk right and had to hobble away. I can laugh at myself now. I know I was afraid. I had to surrender but was so afraid that the outcome might not be the one I want. I still don't know. What I do know is that God has always blessed me and kept me in His care. He has prospered me and guided me and my life is a blessing to me and to others. I trust Him and I let go. Whatever comes next, will be perfect for me... even if I do not desire it, did not expect it, and wanted something else.


What a magical wonderful feeling to know that the goodness of the Lord is nothing magical at all; rather a sure, solid, dependable gift always available, unending, unwavering, unimpeachable, and unequivocal.



with deepest gratitude,

Pam

Morning Prayer

Good Morning Dear Lord,


Thank You for waking me up this morning. I feel blessed and ready to impress!

I pray today and everyday to be a blessing, for myself and others.
May Your glory be in my every thought, word, and deed, now and always.
May Your guidance be leading me.
May I always be attentive to it and to You.
May I always discern Your will from my own.

These things I pray in the name of Your Holy Son, Jesus the Christ, Amen.

The Daily Word today is Free!

The Daily Word today says, I choose thoughts and words that are free of disapproval or the need to be right. I choose activities that nurture my body and mind, expressing the freedom of my soul. I choose to treat others in ways that reflect an attitude and spirit of freedom and love.

I used to live my life that way.... that was the pre-parent-Pam.  Now, as Pam, the parent , I have drifted steadily backward. Away from the free thinking, warm feeling self that was unconditionally loving, kind, and generous. In my role of parent, I have adopted the "old school model." The model I grew up with involved the adult telling the kid what to do and how to do. There was a right and a wrong, a good and a bad. That's the parenting I am familiar with and so that is the parenting I do.

Today, I want to parent differently and yet the natural pull is toward that past... toward the familiar way. I disapprove of my son's behavior and I say I am evolved because I am not disapproving of him. Yet he feels disapproval. and when I ask, he feels disapproved of. Separating himself from his behavior is a tough, abstract task to ask of a seven year old. Intellectually, he gets it and understands the distinctions. Emotionally,  it does not matter whether it is him or his behavior... he just feels badly. One could argue that if he feels badly he will learn the lesson and do better next time. That may be true. But what if, after doing better the next time, he does not feel good about himself. Or worse, what if he only feels good about himself when he is doing something good (rather than all of the time). 

How do parents correct behavior in a way that does not do long term damage to self-esteem? and How on earth do we know what does and does not cause long-term damage to self-esteem?

I could argue that I am doing a good job.  My son is bright and talented, a sharp thinker and a well mannered boy who knows right from wrong and still manages to run free as a wild child laughing and screaming and chasing a ball with friends joyfully. He manages to resolve conflicts with friends over whose turn it is next with whatever toy or gadget. He can focus and pay attention to teachers and coaches and learn what is being taught. He can remember and process information and he can read and write.  

But he bites his fingernails...and chews on his fingers when the nails are gone.... what does that mean? 

I am noticing the absence of a handbook to tell me how far back I should step, and when, to allow him room to grow. I could choose to relax. According to the Word, I have the freedom to choose. How do I parent with a sense of freedom and love? and what does that parenting behavior look like when the boy will not stay in bed and go to sleep on a school night? Should I ignore him, as some parenting books suggest? and let him suffer the consequences of being tired the next day at school? and then do that night after night until he gets it? or should I lovingly persist in insisting that he go back to bed? and then do that night after night until he gets it?

Where on earth is the parent's manual for Kid Jackson? and who is going to enforce the 10-year or 100,000 mile warranty that came with him? oops. that warranty was for my tires.... not the kid. oh well. 

I guess I will have to sit here and continue to freely choose to wonder if I am doing it right! Lord knows, I will not know for years to come.  At least at work I receive annual and mid-year performance reviews. Who is it that administers the parenting performance reviews? I mean, I know if I am a bad parent, the police, the teachers, the family services agencies will all weigh in. But if I am not really bad, then who then?

He receives evaluation as a student... which reflects as an aspect of my parenting... but not the whole of the job. And, if, as was my case, he is quite successful in life academically and professionally because he was constantly seeking approval that never fulfilled him, then what? 

I guess the easiest way to stop that behavior is to have him feel approved of, always, and be inspired to grow and prosper because his destiny is to be the best he can be.....

Oh, and I never found my owner's manual for Kid Jackson, so I bought a book from Amazon.com... it looks promising but it is just a book.... not an owner's manual.

From the DailyWord.com on Monday, September 20, 2010 

FREE

I choose thoughts, words and actions that set me free.

Why does one driver smile and relax in traffic, while another is tense and irritable? It is a matter of choice. Freedom of choice is an expression of our spiritual freedom, and it affects our attitudes and experiences.

Today I have a simple choice: I can be held captive by irritation and restrictive ways of thinking and being, or I can practice genuine spiritual freedom by expressing love in all I think, say and do.

I choose thoughts and words that are free of disapproval or the need to be right. I choose activities that nurture my body and mind, expressing the freedom of my soul. I choose to treat others in ways that reflect an attitude and spirit of freedom and love.

You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.--John 8:32

source: http://www.dailyword.com/

Watching Spike Lee's If God is Willing and Da Creek Don't Rise

According to Governor Blanco of Louisiana, Mississippi had 25% of damage from Hurricane Katrina, Louisiana had 75% of the damage.

Yet, President Bush's FEMA administration granted 50% of federal funds to each state rather than granting funds proportionally.

President Bush, a Republican; Governor Blanco, a Democrat.... guess what party the governor of Mississippi belongs to?

I wonder what Obama would have done....


 Spike Lee's HBO Special - If God is Willing and Da Creek Don't Rise

What is my sentence?

In his book, Drive, Daniel Pink tells us that "the secret to high performance and satisfaction—at work, at school, and at home—is the deeply human need to direct our own lives, to learn and create new things, and to do better by ourselves and our world."


In Part Three of that book, he writes about two questions that we can ask ourselves as a source of motivation and purpose (see page 154).

1. What is my sentence?
2. Was I better today than yesterday?

How on earth can I sum up what I am all about. I am a parent, a manager, an economist, a learner, a volunteer, an analyst, a sister, a colleague and more. How can I get it all into one sentence? ..... well let me see... it goes something like this:

"An effective leader, empowering people and processes to be their very best"

Was I better today than yesterday? Yes.

 I peacefully parented, respectfully reviewed work, I patiently led new managers, and I was attentive to my health and well-being....


more to come.

Life Half Full?

I have finally reached that point in life… the place I really, really am not ready to be. It is that time in life where it begins to feel as though more of my living is behind me than in front of me…. The half-way point. I know I really do not know where the half-way point is, but then again I have cheated myself out of about 20 years so half won’t feel like half whenever it does actually come. I am 43 years old and very proud of my age and my accomplishments. I have felt fulfilled in my living and glad for all my blessings.

I do have regrets. None of which are significant enough for me to want “do overs”.

The only trouble I have comes when I am around the twenty-something crowd…. Then I get a bit weird. When I am with that age group, I am reminded of myself when I was twenty and boy was I dumb. I was young, ignorant and blissful. Life held every promise, I had every option, and my choices were all my own. Win or lose, rise and fly, do or die, Pam called the shots and Pam was in control. And only Pam suffered the consequences of Pam’s choices.



God is my source and my protector as was the case back then…. It’s just that twenty years ago I had no idea how much protection I was enjoying. Now, I am wiser and less ignorant. I control so very little it is quite pitiful. My commitments dictate my choices and my values run the show.

So when I listen to the plans and dreams, hopes and schemes of today’s twenty-somethings, when I listen to the optimism, the faith, the aspiration, I am moved. I think of their aspiration and feel inspired. I think of my ambition and feel driven. My optimism has turned to pessimism, my faith to despair as I wonder if I will “make it” succeed at these efforts and endeavors I have chosen.

I am a mother. And that changed everything for me. Maybe I take myself too seriously, maybe not. But there is so much less in my life that I do for me… I use my job to fulfill a sense of vocation and purpose… but I keep that job to pay for the life I want to live as a solo parent. My volunteer time is spent investing in the church and the school that help me grow my child. I invest heavily because these are my pseudo-parenting partners in lieu of a husband or my son’s father. My dad used to be my parenting partner, helping me raise my son. He is no longer here. I no longer have his help. I miss him.

I do as much as I can in all the places that I can because I care about doing a good job. I care deeply about being a good mother. I enjoy being good at my job, but failure to be a good mother has a higher “at-stakeness”. A life is on the line… literally. Yes, I sound dramatic. And yes, I believe I am right.

Lives are on the line every day as parents fail to parent their own children and leave the duties and responsibilities to others. The costs of failure to parent keep soaring and the costs are born by us all. We pay every day in the social and emotional costs that accompany the killings and beatings and violence that is our every day norm in urban America. We pay every day as we grow number and less sensitive to those people, the ones who are not my problem, but are my community. We pay every day in lost productivity and human capital growth as our urban Americas sink further and further behind growing more illiterate by the hour. And when my son grows up and is a black male who is educated, enlightened, unimprisoned, and employed, I cannot help but wonder…. What statistic will he be? one in one hundred? one in one thousand? One in two thousand?

So, yes, my life may be about half over. But my parenting career is not even half begun. I have a long haul and sometimes the load sure feels heavy. But every day, I know I am closer and closer to creating a life lived powerfully, productively, powerfully, and prosperously … a life that is my son’s because of the way I have paved.

I am forty-something and I thank God for each and every minute I have lived and for each one I might have left.

Them Down There in the Treme

So I have been watching the HBO miniseries Treme and I have been fascinated by the perspective on the post-Katrina New Orleans that the show provides. Clearly, the show is only a snippet and it is fiction. Nonetheless, I found it interesting to think about the damage done and the recovery process from the viewpoint of the types of people that the characters represent.

First, I learned that Treme is one of the oldest neighborhoods in the city, and early in the city's history was the main neighborhood of free people of color. It is reported that the neighborhood was and is an important center of the city's African-American and Créole culture, especially the modern brass band tradition.

Viewers of the HBO program get a good look at the landscape, the interior of houses and businesses, and the exterior buildings, houses, streets, and land areas. The sense of the damage, the amount of problems encountered as people attempt rebuilding, and the simple things like water in the gas line that will not power the cooking stoves on the restaurant of one character.

I can see the livelihoods that derived from a tourism industry devastated and decimated but not completely deterred.... the musicians, the chefs, the hotel staff, and more.  The neighborhoods that look desolate, isolated, and damaged.  The houses that are no longer homes.

My heart broke as the lawyer and the sister searched for the missing brother while the mother, older, less in control of her faculties, held vigil. All three hoping, searching, slaving through a bureaucracy that encouraged all the wrong behavior and provided no incentive for integrity and valor. Yet they found a little along the way. In the end, the viewer gets a clear sense of what happens in a moment when the world as someone knows it is literally washed away. And we get to feel, only barely, what it feels like to be someone, like the college professor-husband-to-the-lawyer, who knew his government had been failing his community for years.  Not enough of the right people put the appropriate degree of attention on the problems to solve them before catastrophe took those problems away and replaced them with new, bigger ones.

Treme is a beautiful creation and I am glad to have seen the program in all its beauty and grace amid debris and desolation... with all its hope and faith in the face of loss and mourning.

Visit: HBO's Treme Website  and The Times-Picayune HBO Treme website


The one thing that stood out in my mind Sunday after Sunday as I watched was the awareness of them and their plight. "Boy, they sure have a mess to recover from." "Man, what a trauma that was that happened to them." "They sure had a great place down there." "I wonder how they are doing."

I, sitting in the comfort of my Washington DC residence, wondered about them and felt very little connection to the post-Katrina New Orleans of 2010. Before this HBO special, that community and its devastation had been off my radar for quite a while. Have I done enough? Yes, I sent charitable gifts.... in 2005 and 2006. But what about 2009 and 2010? Who needs my help now? Have I done enough? I am not situated to travel there and spend my tourist dollars just yet, but when I can, will I go? Will I remember?

And then I wondered, when the next drama hits DC, if my neighborhood is torn apart, will I wonder then, if I had done enough for "them down there."

Then I listen to the stories about the oil spill and how business and tourism in the region are experiencing even more hardship. Am I doing enough now? What else should I be doing?