Monday, September 20, 2010

The Daily Word today is Free!




The Daily Word today says, I choose thoughts and words that are free of disapproval or the need to be right. I choose activities that nurture my body and mind, expressing the freedom of my soul. I choose to treat others in ways that reflect an attitude and spirit of freedom and love.
I used to live my life that way.... that was the pre-parent-Pam.  Now, as Pam, the parent , I have drifted steadily backward. Away from the free thinking, warm feeling self that was unconditionally loving, kind, and generous. In my role of parent, I have adopted the "old school model." The model I grew up with involved the adult telling the kid what to do and how to do. There was a right and a wrong, a good and a bad. That's the parenting I am familiar with and so that is the parenting I do.
Today, I want to parent differently and yet the natural pull is toward that past... toward the familiar way. I disapprove of my son's behavior and I say I am evolved because I am not disapproving of him. Yet he feels disapproval. and when I ask, he feels disapproved of. Separating himself from his behavior is a tough, abstract task to ask of a seven year old. Intellectually, he gets it and understands the distinctions. Emotionally,  it does not matter whether it is him or his behavior... he just feels badly. One could argue that if he feels badly he will learn the lesson and do better next time. That may be true. But what if, after doing better the next time, he does not feel good about himself. Or worse, what if he only feels good about himself when he is doing something good (rather than all of the time). 
How do parents correct behavior in a way that does not do long term damage to self-esteem? and How on earth do we know what does and does not cause long-term damage to self-esteem?
I could argue that I am doing a good job.  My son is bright and talented, a sharp thinker and a well mannered boy who knows right from wrong and still manages to run free as a wild child laughing and screaming and chasing a ball with friends joyfully. He manages to resolve conflicts with friends over whose turn it is next with whatever toy or gadget. He can focus and pay attention to teachers and coaches and learn what is being taught. He can remember and process information and he can read and write.  
But he bites his fingernails...and chews on his fingers when the nails are gone.... what does that mean? 
I am noticing the absence of a handbook to tell me how far back I should step, and when, to allow him room to grow. I could choose to relax. According to the Word, I have the freedom to choose. How do I parent with a sense of freedom and love? and what does that parenting behavior look like when the boy will not stay in bed and go to sleep on a school night? Should I ignore him, as some parenting books suggest? and let him suffer the consequences of being tired the next day at school? and then do that night after night until he gets it? or should I lovingly persist in insisting that he go back to bed? and then do that night after night until he gets it?
Where on earth is the parent's manual for Kid Jackson? and who is going to enforce the 10-year or 100,000 mile warranty that came with him? oops. that warranty was for my tires.... not the kid. oh well. 
I guess I will have to sit here and continue to freely choose to wonder if I am doing it right! Lord knows, I will not know for years to come.  At least at work I receive annual and mid-year performance reviews. Who is it that administers the parenting performance reviews? I mean, I know if I am a bad parent, the police, the teachers, the family services agencies will all weigh in. But if I am not really bad, then who then?
He receives evaluation as a student... which reflects as an aspect of my parenting... but not the whole of the job. And, if, as was my case, he is quite successful in life academically and professionally because he was constantly seeking approval that never fulfilled him, then what? 
I guess the easiest way to stop that behavior is to have him feel approved of, always, and be inspired to grow and prosper because his destiny is to be the best he can be.....
Oh, and I never found my owner's manual for Kid Jackson, so I bought a book from Amazon.com... it looks promising but it is just a book.... not an owner's manual.








From the DailyWord.com on Monday, September 20, 2010 
FREE
I choose thoughts, words and actions that set me free.
Why does one driver smile and relax in traffic, while another is tense and irritable? It is a matter of choice. Freedom of choice is an expression of our spiritual freedom, and it affects our attitudes and experiences.
Today I have a simple choice: I can be held captive by irritation and restrictive ways of thinking and being, or I can practice genuine spiritual freedom by expressing love in all I think, say and do.
I choose thoughts and words that are free of disapproval or the need to be right. I choose activities that nurture my body and mind, expressing the freedom of my soul. I choose to treat others in ways that reflect an attitude and spirit of freedom and love.
You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.--John 8:32

1 comment:

  1. after 18 years of parenting and 24 years as a educator. good parents can be summed up in one word. motivated. and you clearly are. good job on the first 7 years. brace yourself for the teen years. they can be a trip.

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