Not The Decider

I am watching the movie, “My Sister’s Keeper” and experiencing the struggle of a mom fighting for her cancer stricken daughter. I hope I never have to have that fight. It is all about trying to make the right choices and decisions, pursuing the best interests of the patient, being the decider.

I came close with my dad. He was cancer stricken. He died. But I never had to be the decider. I did not even have a chance to fight for him.

He said how it went, what he wanted, what he did not want. He chose when to start the process of dying. Yes, the cancer would have taken him, but he got a head start and kept the lead ‘til nearly the end.

I never had to tell the doctors to turn off a machine, to stop treating him, to not resuscitate him. I did not have to spend weeks or months feeding him, changing him, cleaning him, and giving him his medicine. I did not have to make any decision that led to his death. He made them all, I supported him. He chose when to stop eating and drinking. He chose when he was not going to take his medicine. He chose not to pursue chemo. He decided three-score and ten was enough for him.

On the one hand, I think if I had to make those decisions, I may have been broken spiritually. On the other hand, in an odd sort of way, I feel robbed… and deficient. Somehow, I did not do enough. Yet, I know it is a feeling, not a truth.

Nonetheless, I cannot help but feel moved by the heroic nature of this character, Cameron Diaz playing Sara Fitzgerald, who has devoted more than a decade of her life to her daughter, Kate. She had to be the decider, make the choices, and suffer the consequences. In her case, she switched into fighting mode and fighting mode became her. The time, the resources, the stamina all make her look admirable and valiant. The family, strong and united (sort of) looks the better for the suffering and struggle.

But then I remember, I am watching a movie. The reality is not this. I am not sure what the reality would look like but I know it is not what I am seeing on the television screen. The reality would likely contain way more mess, trauma, strife, depression, grief, fecal matter, vomit, and irate patients (patience too).

I heard a line in a song during the movie…. "you'll feel better when you feel anything at all." I guess I am glad I am feeling something. Lord, knows for most of 2010 that has not been the case. My dad grew ill in 2009 but the official battles leading to the end of life accelerated in December of 2009 and ended on February 28, 2010.

Caught between feeling guilty for not doing enough, feeling robbed of an opportunity to serve, and feeling sorrow because I miss my dad, I guess I am feeling better because, at least, I am feeling something.

Mostly, I am just feeling glad not to have been the decider.