How Much I am Loved

Originally published on Sunday, February 28, 2010 at 8:58pm

Mandisa sings, "Do you really know how much you are loved.... Take the depths of the deepest ocean and go deeper, take the top of the tallest tower and go higher... take the best day that you ever had and try to imagine better than that. Still don't come close to how much you are loved."
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9IbUYRpQSA)

Saturday, February 27th, 2010 was the best day I ever had and I cannot imagine any better than that. It was my father's homegoing and lucky for us he scheduled it and we hosted it before he died as opposed to after. The entire day was filled with beauty and light. I am so absolutely grateful and joyful for the day, for the people, for the sunny skies, the brisk, wind, the tantalizing food, the laughter, the card playing, the music, the hugs....

I had no idea the amount of joy that could come from the warmth of loving people coming to tell Phil Jackson and his family how extraordinary he was. Though he was no longer conscious, I never doubted for a moment his ability to hear, absorb, and appreciate the generous words, gestures, and gifts. ..

I give thanks to family and friends who celebrated a day, all day, in such a wonderful way. We were so loud, we laughed so hard, we hugged so much... I am a bit surprised that the man did not wake up!

Mandisa sings that God's love goes out to everyone....that includes me and you. I am so comforted by and confident in the universe's ability to care for us, to gift us with loved ones, and take them away from us in a way that does not break us but , rather, makes us stronger and better.

I was loved. Deeply, profoundly, powerfully, persistently. I was cared for, valued, appreciated, nurtured and so much more. And I let that love wrap its arms around me very hard. My dad loved me and though he is now gone from this worl, I can still feel the strength of his grip on me. He held me with his care and concern for me for decades, even as an adult and a new mom, he gave to me and cared for me like a mother would a baby. It was figurative, not literal, and felt just as good. He taught me how to parent my son, he created the space for me to grow and prosper, to rise and shine, to live and love as deeply and powerfully as he. Most of all, he granted me peace by helping me to grow confident and trusting in my own voice, my own way, my own abilities. And all of that was in the last seven years, never mind the thirty-some odd years before that.

Through the late hours of the night on Saturday and as the early Sunday morning hours began, the laughter and friends and family faded, but his grip remained on my hand and in my heart. I felt such joy at being able to be the one to hold his hand through the night, to wipe his brow, to administer the morphine, to feel his heartbeating, barely, to hear his raspy breathing, barely there. I felt such gratitude and pride in waking up before the alarm clock to make sure the drugs never wore off so that he never felt pain or suffering.

His homegoing was his way and on his terms. I respected him and his choices and am grateful beyond measure to have been trusted by him to help his life end graciously, sweetly, peacefully. I am also grateful for my sister, my beloved, beautiful, brilliant sister who partnered with me in this journey these last few weeks. Our experience is forever and always a treasure, a collaborative union filled with the pain of losing a dad, the joy of serving him lovingly, and the comfort of being together struggling to make the right choices, not wanting to mess it up for dad!

Saying God is good all of the time sounds trite... though it is true. What is more appropriate is that we, only on special occasions, acknowledge that God is good all of the time.

What I really feel is that God is gracious and merciful all of the time and we take it for granted, do not always notice it, and would benefit tremendously if we were to wake up! Unlike my dad, I still can.