Having a baby is not the same thing as parenting a child.
When I hear talk of having a baby, let's have a baby, I want to have a baby... I think of pregnancy, and romantic notions like the creation of life. I envision man and woman, or two partners, nurturing the life yet to be born. I see the beauty of the bulge and the glowing sweetness that comes with the gift of grooming new life. I remember the delicate, tender feelings of love and joy when I looked into my own newborn's little face all wrinkled and scrunched up... when I felt him cuddled beside me or in my lap, snuggling me, seeking comfort and security and needing little else besides some milk.
This is all well and good.
Yet the reality is that a baby turns into a child and children require good parenting.
The work of good parenting is about paying attention, exercising self-control, modeling good behavior, making sacrifices to put the child's interests first, and so much more. It is about discipline and dedication and being a warrior for the very best outcome that can be generated. This is how I view my job.
I am a mother. I have a job. I was not hired but I am employed and my performance evaluation will come in about a decade or so. Will I have contributed to raising a responsible, mature adult who is a positive contributor to community and country? or will I have contributed to raising an adult who is less than productive and not responsible and not self-sufficient? Will the person be emotionally and socially healthy? well-developed and educated?
These are the things I think about now. So when I was asked about "giving my man a baby" I almost screamed and cackled.... give him a baby? why on earth would I do that knowing how high the probability is that he will "give" the baby back? Yes, that sounds cynical, but the reality is that no one gives a baby to anyone.
Two people meet, fall in love, perhaps, decide to marry, perhaps, decide to have a child. Usually the conversation is that I want to have a baby...but the conversation really ought to be that I want to parent.
That is the real conversation to have. Do you want to parent? how will you parent? are you ready for the sacrifices (and the joys) that good parenting requires? are you prepared for fifteen to twenty years of hard labor? If you have already put in some years in the trenches of parenting, are you really ready to start over and do more? Who are you parenting with? are they as dedicated and dutiful as you? will they be committed? will they be consistent?
When I hear talk of having a baby, let's have a baby, I want to have a baby... I think of pregnancy, and romantic notions like the creation of life. I envision man and woman, or two partners, nurturing the life yet to be born. I see the beauty of the bulge and the glowing sweetness that comes with the gift of grooming new life. I remember the delicate, tender feelings of love and joy when I looked into my own newborn's little face all wrinkled and scrunched up... when I felt him cuddled beside me or in my lap, snuggling me, seeking comfort and security and needing little else besides some milk.
This is all well and good.
Yet the reality is that a baby turns into a child and children require good parenting.
The work of good parenting is about paying attention, exercising self-control, modeling good behavior, making sacrifices to put the child's interests first, and so much more. It is about discipline and dedication and being a warrior for the very best outcome that can be generated. This is how I view my job.
I am a mother. I have a job. I was not hired but I am employed and my performance evaluation will come in about a decade or so. Will I have contributed to raising a responsible, mature adult who is a positive contributor to community and country? or will I have contributed to raising an adult who is less than productive and not responsible and not self-sufficient? Will the person be emotionally and socially healthy? well-developed and educated?
These are the things I think about now. So when I was asked about "giving my man a baby" I almost screamed and cackled.... give him a baby? why on earth would I do that knowing how high the probability is that he will "give" the baby back? Yes, that sounds cynical, but the reality is that no one gives a baby to anyone.
Two people meet, fall in love, perhaps, decide to marry, perhaps, decide to have a child. Usually the conversation is that I want to have a baby...but the conversation really ought to be that I want to parent.
That is the real conversation to have. Do you want to parent? how will you parent? are you ready for the sacrifices (and the joys) that good parenting requires? are you prepared for fifteen to twenty years of hard labor? If you have already put in some years in the trenches of parenting, are you really ready to start over and do more? Who are you parenting with? are they as dedicated and dutiful as you? will they be committed? will they be consistent?
cute kid.... why not more???
ReplyDeleteI'd continue that conversation to not just "do you want to be a co-parent" but "how would you like to co-parent." Too many couples realize that they don't like each other's parenting style after they observe it in action.
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